Old and Empty Holes

Maybe the most frequent question I'm asked by spiritual abuse survivors is "How do I move forward?" I don't have a definitive, foolproof answer. I only have my own thoughts, observations, and experiences to offer, so here goes...


When we lose something - the security of a religious belief system, love, family, friends, a home, a way of life - it leaves a substantial (sometimes gigantic) hole. The natural inclination is to respond to this loss and resulting hole by trying to fill it with something else as quickly as possible. This is one instance where I'd urge you to resist your natural inclination or compulsion. You can end up doing a lot of damage to yourself and others.

I know a young woman who was widowed several years ago. In the years since, she's been interested in or pursued only men who fit the exact same physical and perceived mental/personal profile of her deceased husband. None of her new ventures have lasted, and in their brief duration probably lasted only until the man involved figured out exactly what was going on - she wasn't looking for a new relationship, but instead was looking for a new version of her dead husband. There was, and is, a big hole in her life, and in her haste to fill that hole she's made poor choice after poor choice and looked for her solution in all the wrong manners and all the wrong places. Feigning health doesn't heal old wounds, and hers are deep. She needs healing. Not a filler.

Religious addiction causes the same kind of problem. I've spoken in the past of my ex's family, having left one authoritarian cult, and filling the hole that was left with another authoritarian cult. They had to put something there. Just had to. Their addictions overwhelmed them. In Halfway Houses I wrote about people who leave groups like VF or Gothard trying to fill the holes of religious addiction's loss with equally as toxic groups and teachers like Piper, Driscoll, Sovereign Grace, et cetera, while thinking they've found a good thing. Again, feigning health doesn't heal old wounds, and fillers will never nuture healing.

In all of the examples above, all that was accomplished was a patchwork (at best) filling of one hole by digging a brand new hole right beside the first, or trying to cure an old wound with a new, and hopefully less painful, one. Continuing in that behavioral pattern only results in a series of holes (and new wounds) - not a great position for a wounded, vulnerable, perhaps very needy, person to find him or herself in.

The biggest part of my own healing process has been a determination and stubborn refusal of attempts to fill old holes in my life. I haven't tried to, and don't want to, replace my ex. As far as my own religious addictions, I've no desire to replace the old, rejected belief system with a new one. As far as being an independent and critical thinker, I don't achieve that by becoming the student of a new teacher, even if a rebel teacher.

Rather than filling old holes, I'd prefer to climb new mountains. Life offers plenty of them. As far as the old holes, I'm content to let time, and the wind, rain, and erosion of life, fill them in. It will in due course. 

The survivors that I'm seeing really flourish are those who are climbing new mountains. This doesn't mean you forget the pain, or forget the loss, or even forget the wrongs. 

You just climb. And live. And heal.