Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My Distaste For All Things Courtship (part 1)

In the last several weeks, I've received quite a few queries about my thoughts on courtship, and some have offered me theirs. I've discovered that my readers (all three of you) are an eclectic mix, with a much broader array of backgrounds, culturally and spiritually, than I ever anticipated when I began writing a couple of months back. Don't get me wrong, I think that's awesome. At the same time, I realize that even as pointblank as I am in what I write here, with all of the different backgrounds and experiences that stop by here and read it, it may be read in vastly different colors and intensities. Given that the courtship issue, and my view on it, is one that has been influenced by this dynamic, and given the interesting exchanges going on here and around the blogosphere concerning Stacy McDonald's article on courtship, an article that I feel oozes legalism and doctrine over person, I thought this would be an opportune time to make abundantly clear my view of courtship, and hopefully do so in a way that cuts through the haze of cultural differences and the various backgrounds represented.


I've no doubt that many will disagree with my view, including many who may usually find much common ground in my writing as a whole. Even if you disagree, I hope you'll keep reading here and writing to me, because I'm not so naive as to think everyone's gonna agree with me (especially given the flammable subjects I delve into here), and your emails on this issue have been very pleasant exchanges. I appreciate the opinions and feedback of you guys.


Ok, to clear up my view on courtship, whether I believe it's good in some cases, bad in others, a good idea that gets put to bad use, whether I find merit in the formula, et cetera...


When speaking of scenarios involving children (read: under 18 years of age), a parent has every right to determine what boundaries are proper, although I would think it wise of a parent to approach the issue uniquely with each child. Each child is unique, strong in it his or her own ways, weak in his or her own ways, and special in his or her own ways.


When speaking of adult children (read: over the age of 18), in no case whatsoever do I find the process, system, or practice of courtship acceptable, wise, or biblical. In NO case. Never. Ever. Period. In fact, I'm whole-heartedly convinced that it's a form of idolatry, and absolutely nothing will ever persuade me otherwise. I detest courtship for adults with the white hot flaming passion of a million screaming asteroids of utter doom.


Now, let's look at the "why"...


There's NO biblical directive or mandate that requires an adult child to be in submission to a parent. An adult child should HONOR their parents, but choosing their own path in life in submission to the Lord doesn't dishonor a parent. In fact, I would offer the idea that it should be the goal! Marriage and family is absolutely NOT the the ideal of Christianity. Christ is. I repeat: Christ is. Philippians 3:14...


"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." 


In that passage, "high calling" comes from the Greek "ano klesis", with ano meaning upward or heavenly, and klesis meaning calling, invitation, vocation. Paul's goal was to reach Christ and reach others for Christ. He even once said "...to live is Christ..." THAT is the ano klesis. But, for people fighting a cultural war, it would appear the ano klesis is marriage and family. That's their high calling. The title of Mrs. McDonald's blog even suggests as much. It's as if there's no other purpose in life. I don't say this to diminish marriage and family. They're beautiful and important things, and those who are married and/or have children shouldn't ever take the responsibilities of them lightly. But, marriage and family shouldn't be the highest purpose of our lives. In fact, for some people, it probably shouldn't be a goal at all.


Many also promote courtship under the assumption that it's a godly father's role to act as his daughter's protection, or that a godly daughter will submit to his wisdom being it's provided by God for her. Well, the bible doesn't even begin to say that it's the duty of a father to officiate the life choices of adult children, nor does it promise daughters the wisdom of a father. It's not terribly wise to trust in "biblical" promises that the bible doesn't make. The actual, tangible biblical promise that parents SHOULD point their children toward is the promise of wisdom to be given liberally to ALL who ask, including daughters, and how this promise doesn't mention their father as the source, but instead mentions THE Father as the source. Frankly, any daughter that needs her father to protect her and officiate her choices has no business at all getting involved in a relationship of any kind, and much less getting married. She isn't ready for either. She's miles and miles and miles away.


Many parents don't believe it's "godly" for any relationship to begin or transpire outside of the parent-set boundaries of courtship - i.e., if the parents don't officiate. I examined 1st Peter 4:15 in this post several weeks back, with the Greek word "allotriepiskopos" as the root for the word meddler or busybody. In that passage, clear biblical instruction is given to not meddle, and it's lumped in with murder, thievery, and other evils. Allotriepiskopos is the combination of two words. Those words mean "not one's own" and "overseer". You do the math, and then tell me exactly who is acting "ungodly" and failing to be biblical in a courtship scenario.


Make no mistake, any person, including young adults, would be wise to seek the counsel of wise mentors, beginning, but not ending, with one's parents. I passionately encourage as much. However, if an adult can't make a decision outside of the approval of these people, or if these people represent God's voice to her, then there are emotional and spiritual problems (usually the product of an authoritarian system) that go waaaaaaay deeper than anything courtship could ever cure. I'm sorry to say that this is exactly the kind of children courtship proponents wish to produce. Before you go getting too mad at me for that statement, ask yourself...If it weren't a true statement, would there be any imaginable need for something like courtship? In light of that, what other conclusion can one draw? 


Parents should be willing to offer their advice and assistance when asked for it, and do so ONLY if there will be no retribution or rejection of the child if the child goes against the parent's counsel. In my estimation, anything beyond this is extra-biblical and uber-unhealthy.


Like I used to tell my ex, "If any voice, aside from mine, yours, and most of all God's, thinks it has or deserves a say in our relationship, it's one voice too many, and somebody's got to shut up."


I'll offer a few thoughts on Mrs. McDonald's article, and perhaps a few other courtship thoughts, in part 2 sometime in the next couple of days.

24 comments:

  1. While reading your post I remembered this verse: "Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven." (Mt. 23:9)

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  2. Hillary...I thinks it's interesting who Christ went on to direct a verbal barrage toward in the verses that follow and complete that chapter - the same type of folk who today promote patriocentricity.

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  3. It's also ironic how, in my opinion, a formula like courtship would make a case study for many of the things Christ addresses in that chapter, with a prime example being placing priority on form or appearance, i.e. cleaning the outside but neglecting the inside.

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  4. I would have loved for you to be around my parents 14 years ago when I was going through my "courtship" (oh, how I loathe and detest that word as much as you do). Fortunately, God has redeemed the time over the years, but there are still emotional and spiritual scars that I bear today that are still being worked through.

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  5. Erika...If it means anything to you, I'm proud of and for you that you took the steps to seek and follow what was right for your life.

    For whatever reasons, so many others can't.

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  6. Thank you, Lewis. :)

    I agree with absolutely everything you've said in your post. It's something I so passionately believe. Years ago, I wrote a story about my "courtship" (*shudders*) but I had it taken down because there are so many things I disagree with that I wrote. I would do everything all over again in a heart beat. No matter how much pain, how much hurt, how many tears were shed, it was necessary to break free and I would go through it all over again. No questions asked. Of course, I would have preferred no parental interference (that would have been the ideal), but if I had to make those same decisions, in light of the situation we were in, I have absolutely no regrets. Years ago, I was made to feel guilty for leaving at 20 years old to marry the man I loved and believed wholeheartedly that God meant for me, but there are no regrets any more. None, whatsoever. In leaving, I not only found freedom for my soul, but I also found freedom from unnecessary guilt over time. No adult daughter should ever be made to feel guilt for following God's leading for them, regardless of how other people want THEIR will to work in that daughter's life. No adult daughter should ever be made to feel like their life is worth any less because they've reclaimed the freedom that was so wrongly stolen from them.

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  7. "no adult daughter should ever be made to feel like their life is worth any less because they've reclaimed the freedom that was so wrongly stolen from them."

    Amen, Erika

    I scanned the list of questions on the site about courtship/controlship and two things came to mind: 1) That would be a great list for someone to use if they wanted get someone to marry them by having all the 'right' answers and 2) For a single person looking, some of the questions might be useful ~ but not in a item by item quiz type fashion. More of 'as our relationship unfolds these might be some good things to find out' type of way.

    "No adult daughter should ever be made to feel guilt for following God's leading for them." Amen

    And yet whole church denominations are based upon these concepts. Ask your father. Father not around? Ask your elder. Elder not around? Ask your pastor. Pastor not around? Ask your (next in line liturgical leader in the local whatever group where they all meet). I was actually told all this by a Pastor's wife who was, shockingly, leading a womens bible study because her pastor/husband wasn't available. Since she did it 'under his authority' eg. because he asked her to, it was okay.

    So sick of this mentality.

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  8. "I detest courtship for adults with the white hot flaming passion of a million screaming asteroids of utter doom."

    Hahaha- don't be shy, Lewis! You can tell us how you really feel. n_n

    And I agree. =)

    This control freak bastard Christianity is of the slave woman, and the children of the slave woman will not inherit along with the children of promise. The patriarchal, domineering mutant Christianity that has sprung up in our time is a gross heresy, and is in direct defiance of the gospel of grace.

    Thank you for taking a clear stand against it.

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  9. Lewis,

    I'm so glad you're blogging! I wish I could hang out here more often. You're a great encouragement to me and so many others.

    Something that struck me as I read this today was that so many people seem to need some kind of parade behind them concerning what they say everyone should be doing. If someone wants to do some kind of particular thing, be it from courtship to homeschooling to collecting stamps, why do they need a blog campaign and a new affinity group religion? Just do whatever it is and reap the rewards of satisfaction for doing what you believe to be right and doing it well!

    But the sad fact of it is that it is a cultic kind of thing. Doctrine over person... and the security and the sense of awe that comes from the merging with the group.

    I remember being such an oddball as a kid, often, I'm told, because I acted like a typical only child with a predominantly right sided brain in a multi-kid family and left brained world. I can think back and recall the memories of feeling alone (with the science geeks, one of whom I married), but I am so grateful now for the unexpected fruit it brought forth in my life, some of which I have only begun to see. I can go against the flow, and I can do what I see as the best course of action without any crowds, parades, or even lists on blogs! If I have confidence toward God (or even when God is greater than my heart when my own heart condemns me as the Holy Spirit hopefully directs me to where I need to go), I can do so without the consensus. The truth, the Spirit, my family and sometimes even my loving church family is more encouragement than I can fathom.

    Why does the Church think that it needs a program or a parade? (I know... To get out of the discomfort of thinking and to get away from the pain of moral responsibility....) I'm so glad that my parents taught this to me so well when I was a kid.

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  10. Shadow: "This control freak bastard Christianity is of the slave woman, and the children of the slave woman will not inherit along with the children of promise. The patriarchal, domineering mutant Christianity that has sprung up in our time is a gross heresy, and is in direct defiance of the gospel of grace."

    Lewis isn't the only one letting all hang out.

    :)

    Very good discription.
    And this bastard christianity is wounding and driving away the beloved ewes and lambs of Jesus, not healing and gathering them. And it's not doing the rams any eternal good either.

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  11. Why does the Church think it needs a parade? Because it is imbibing Pharaseeism, in which there is no grace. And when there is no grace, then you are not ok just being who you are in Christ and acting according to your own conscience. No, you have convince yourself that what you're doing is the God-pleasing thing to do, because you're not convinced God is pleased with you just for being His child, washed in the blood of Christ. And if what you're doing is the God-pleasing thing to do, then it must be the God-pleasing thing for everyone else to do too-- otherwise, how do you know you're pleasing God? The more people you can convince to live just like you do, the more God-pleasing you feel.

    But it's all works, works, works. No resting in grace. And no letting anyone else rest either.

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  13. I remember when I was dating (yes, I just said it, the homeschooler D-word) my husband, I wondered whether I should refer to it as "courtship" when around some people. I felt like that would pretending it was something that it was not, yet I really struggled with not wanting to appear "bad" (though I guess that ship had already sailed when I moved out of my parents house!) for not courting. We were simply dating; we had invited our parents' input but not their permission. And in addition to the issue of parental authority or the lack thereof, I really hated then (and still do) how in conservative homeschooling circles there are only two options: courtship or recreational, sensual dating. Too bad no one acknowledges a third option: serious dating... it's not an oxymoron.

    I'm going to post a link to your entry in a current thread on HSA (Homeschool Alumni) where parental authority in romantic relationships is being discussed... I think your thoughts will be appreciated by many!

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  14. I hate this mentality. I hate the courtship thing. I hate what it does. I appreciate and share your passion.

    I'm sick of hearing from these legalistic speakers, writers and leaders that they are not legalistic, that the family is the most important thing and that they have the corner on what is "biblical" and what is "righteous and godly."

    Voddie Baucham in his book "What He Must Be" talked about a normal, college dating relationship that ended in a stable marriage and called it a "tragedy."

    Or this lovely quote from VF that summarizes the ideology behind courtship...
    "We as daughters are not sufficient to guard our hearts—God has placed us under the authority of our fathers to protect our hearts… So I encourage you—give your heart fully to the Lord Jesus Christ and to your father (or if you are married, to your husband) and be under his authority. "

    Contrast that with "knowing nothing but Christ and Him crucified."

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  15. Wow! Is that actually something on their webpage or in their literature, rachel? I mean, I know they believe as much...just a big step on their part to put it right out there.

    "So I encourage you—give your heart fully to the Lord Jesus Christ and to your father (or if you are married, to your husband) and be under his authority. "

    When I read that, the first thing that popped into my mind was "No man can serve two masters, for he will love the one and hate the other." And yet, here they are RECOMMENDING AND ENCOURAGING two masters.

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  16. Shadowspring and Mara...You guys nailed it. Whatever it might be, it ain't the gospel of Christ.

    Cindy...Beautiful thoughts, sis. I love it when you do get to hang out with us here;)

    Kristen...Great points. The Pharisaic lifestyles and works-based mentality might create a lot of clean cups on the exterior, and might look really good and appealing to the nondiscerning eye, but lots of nastiness resides within.

    Christi...That's one thing that really bugs me, too. Treating it like there's nothing in between to the crazy extremes betrays their agenda. Thanks for your thoughts. Very insightful.

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  17. Oh...Sarah, my apologies... meant to respond to something you said in your comment...

    "And yet whole church denominations are based upon these concepts. Ask your father. Father not around? Ask your elder. Elder not around? Ask your pastor. Pastor not around? Ask your (next in line liturgical leader in the local whatever group where they all meet). I was actually told all this by a Pastor's wife who was, shockingly, leading a womens bible study because her pastor/husband wasn't available. Since she did it 'under his authority' eg. because he asked her to, it was okay."

    It never ceases to amaze me how many of their own rules they'll break to protect the system or movement, with this being a prime example. Doctrine over person, even if they have to temporarily water down the doctrine to protect the doctrine.

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  18. Lewis, I used to be in a cultic Christian movement called "Maranatha Campus Ministries" in the 1980s. They were one of the first "no-dating" groups. But you didn't go to your parents for spouse-finding interference-- the church elders were only too glad to "hear God" regarding the person whose name you "submitted" to them for marriage approval. Once you were engaged, you could begin spending(chaperoned)time together, but not before. And no kissing until you were at the altar!

    They didn't call it "courtship" back then, and it wasn't related to this worship-the-nuclear-family mentality. But control is control. I'm just glad I don't have to raise my kids that way.

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  19. Kristen...I think it would be interesting to one day examine the shift, and how it happened largely through the Christian homeschooling community, from the Shepherding movement-based ideas which attempted to control church culture, to the family-unit centered ideas that want to control and dominate the ENTIRE culture.

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  20. Yes, that would be interesting, Lewis. But many Shepherding movements were Dominionist too. I know Maranatha was.

    I had not thought about the control pattern shifting from the church to the family, in those terms, but you're right, that's exactly what's happened. But the "culture wars" as we know them started in the late 1970s-early 1980s, I think. That was when the movement against abortion began-- and the Christian Coalition, the election of Reagan as their candidate, etc.

    It's interesting because the leaders of these "biblical family" movements aren't getting personal control over huge groups, as "shepherding" leaders did. But they are making lots of money, oh yes. Lots and lots.

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  21. I used to feel less-than-par because i couldn't call what we did "courting". Couldn't call it "dating" either. Didn't know what to call it. "Being friends falling in love getting married" was the best I could do. :P So ridiculous.

    By the way, if one more person tells me "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" I will not be responsible for whatever happens next. :P

    Thank you for your thoughts. I concur. :)

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  22. Lewis, I found it on the VIsion Forum Website under one of their family articles...

    It is prefaced with: Editor’s Note: The following remarkable testimony was shared by Sarah Zes at the 2003 OSA National Event in Charlotte, NC

    And the description of the author says: Sarah Zes has the blessing of being the eldest daughter of James and Kathleen, and finds her mission in serving them and advancing their vision.

    Here is the link (broken): http:// www.visionforumministries.org/issues/family/the_feminism_of_the_mothers_is.aspx

    Makes me kind of sick to my stomach.

    Darcy - re. the baby with the bathwater thing... ME TOO. I like "being friends falling in love getting married." We didn't know what to call it so it ended up being "rubber duckie in a bathtub." :P

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  23. I remember when I watched "Return of the Daughters" and the courtship story at the end. The guy (I think it was a Bradrick) boasted, yes boasted, how he didn't tell his girl he loved her until they were married. I couldn't believe it. Why would I marry a guy who hadn't told me he loved me? I don't care that he thinks he's "protecting my heart". How in the world have these people come so far down this road that it is a virtue to NOT tell the one you love that you love them? Talk about calling good evil and evil good. Someone stop the madness!!

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  24. "How in the world have these people come so far down this road that it is a virtue to NOT tell the one you love that you love them? Talk about calling good evil and evil good. Someone stop the madness!!"

    Yes, please, stop the madness! UGH!

    I can remember, long before my own disastrous experience with "courtship" (hate hate hate that word and everything it implies) sitting and listening to my Mom's best friend boasting about how her son was sitting in the living room of his 'girlfriend's?' (don't even know what to call it... he was courting her, the lingo gets really confusing) house, she was playing a piano piece she wrote for him for his birthday, and he SO BADLY wanted to tell her he loved her but he DIDN'T. And his Mom was PROUD of him. (?!?!?!?!)

    It's so bizarre and backwards!! How is that a good thing? To NOT tell the person you love that you love them! Isn't that dishonesty??

    -T.R.

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