To Heal

A few of you have expressed interest in helping, to varying degrees, young women leaving the P/QF movements. Some have broader abilities and plans to do so than others, but ALL offers of assistance are appreciated. Ideas are still being considered and plans formed to create a more seamless means of assisting these women and doing so responsibly. I appreciate the hearts that are willing to help. {I would ask that those who offer assistance ONLY do so privately - and I thank you}



Many of you already know many of the things I'm going to discuss in this piece, either having healed from wounds of your own or being in the process of healing. For those who don't know, that process, healing, is what I want to talk to you about. I can't emphasize the word "process" enough. Healing, in these instances, is the embodiment of several elements...


Breathing. Physical rest. Mental rest. Redefining. Rediscovery. Reconnection. Examination. Introspection. Sifting. Sorting. So many more that I didn't list, and others who read here are likely much more qualified to discuss and address this, but in the interim, I want to talk about a few of the more important issues.


One thing you didn't find in my list is a direct reference to religion or faith. This is the MOST important thing for those who want to help these women to consider and remember, particularly those willing to house them in their transition period: It can't be a religious thing. They don't need Christian counseling or immediate encouragement from the bible. They need to breathe. 


They may need to sleep 12 hours a day (or more) for a week or two. Let them. They're exhausted in every imaginable way. They've had their entire lives turned upside down. They've been struggling to keep their heads afloat in a tidal wave of often very ugly interaction, overwhelmingly negative emotion, and utter rejection  coming from people who should be pillars of love, acceptance, and safety in their lives. Their minds are tired. Their bodies are tired. Their broken hearts are tired. Let them rest.


Live your faith and your freedom before them, but not upon them. 


Pray FOR them - only with them if they ask you to.


Little things like referring to the bible as "God's Word" can be immensely triggering and damaging to a young woman battered and bruised by "God's Word" her entire life. Your personal beliefs on the subject have to become secondary to the healing of the battered heart, mind, and life before you. Little things like religious terminology can cause irreparable breaches of trust that can defeat the forward momentum of the healing process. These women have to break the connection of the term "God" to the oppressive and abusive lifestyle they're leaving behind. The reconnection of the term to the Loving Creator it represents has to happen on their terms, in a way their heart can handle, not yours or mine. For some it happens quickly. For others it takes time. We have to let them make that reconnection themselves (even not make it at all if they so choose). They have to breathe.


[My experience - I recoil at Christianese. I recoil at terms like "godly", "biblical", and "God's Word" in reference to the bible. I have good reason. The most destructive, hurtful, and devastating things ever done to me have been done, in "God's name" and at "God's intervention", by men and women fluent in Christianese, men and women who claimed to be "godly", "biblical", and devoted to "God's Word". I want no part of it. I know how skeptical those terms make me. I can only imagine how skeptical those terms make these young women.]


These women may need to totally redefine their faith, totally redefine what it means, totally redefine who Christ is to them, totally redefine their Heavenly Father, totally redefine the things that are true, and good, and lasting. This faith, whatever its condition, may be the only thing of value left in their life which they can call their own. Total redefinition and rediscovery of what they will cling to may be necessary to protect this precious thing. Sifting, sorting, examining, reexamining. Let them - without interruption, interjection, and interference. Let them - for their own reasons. Let them.


Their faith "muscle" may be tired and expended. They may need a break from all things related to their faith for a while. Let them have that break - without condemnation or judgment.


Let them engage you on matters of faith. Don't seek to start that dialog yourself.


[My experience - The above describes me in many ways. There are days when I cling to my faith by the thinnest of margins as I sift, sort, reexamine, and heal. For me, what I saw was so wrong, so evil to my own reckoning, that I took my faith in Christ and set it to the side, but placed ALL other aspects of my Christianity on the table for scrutiny and examination. I searched meticulously for anything that could make me like my ex's family, and as much as hate to say it, like my ex. I want nothing whatsoever to do with their "God". I want nothing whatsoever to do with a "faith" that would cause me to treat others as expendable, that would cause me to do to others what this group of people did to me. Nothing. My sifting and sorting continues, and may for a lifetime. I want to hold on only to that which is meaningful, real, and true. Perhaps this seems petty to you. So be it. The wounds, both emotional and spiritual, are mine, not yours. This process is between me and God. The process for these young women will also be unique to them as individuals, and needs to be settled between them and God without interference. You may not understand it. You may not approve of their approach to it. So be it. Let them settle it.] 


Many things which are foundational institutions of safety in our lives are havens of distress for these women. They may not truly understand the healthy parameters of family relationships. Things that were once the foundation of hopes and dreams may now be tarnished for them. Perhaps they've longed to become a wife and mother, but the unhealthy portrait of both that has been lived before them has blurred the field of vision of that hope and that dream. Maybe they dreamed of higher education and a particular career path, but the spiritually and emotionally abusive resistance to their dream caused such pain that they can no longer view it without feeling the pain - and the luster has faded. Barring miraculous intervention from God, there's no secret formula, no spiritual pixie dust, no magical event that will suddenly make everything better. There is no "If _____ would happen, this would all be better and be nothing but a speck in the rearview mirror." Let their heart and soul rage, hurt, and mourn this. Mourn with them. Let them rediscover these things on their own terms, in their own time. Be support when they need it, not when you think they should need it. Encourage always, but only with honesty. No false praise. Love always. Hope always. Pray for their best and trust the Holy Spirit to direct and establish their best.


[My experience - Many people, very well-meaning, have tried to encourage me or lift my spirits by telling me, "You just wait...The right woman will come along any day now, you'll be bitten by the love bug, and all this stuff will be a distant memory." It isn't nearly so simplistic a matter. If it were, this blog wouldn't exist - at least not with me as its author. This devalues my experience in so many ways. This completely devalues the commitment I made to my ex and the significance of it to me. This falsely minimizes the depth of my wounds. This devalues what placing my ring on her finger meant to me, and minimizes the massive wound I suffered when she was unfaithful to her commitment and took it off. This devalues what was taken from my life. This minimizes an event which cost me my health, a third of my body weight, and nearly my life, in essence devaluing my health and my life itself. Mourn with me, rage with me, allow me to heal in the timing I require to heal from these wounds and in the way I need to heal from these wounds, even if it never happens in this life, but don't minimize my wounds or suggest scenarios which offer only false hope. Right now, I recoil at the thought of any kind of intimate commitment and at the thought of a ring. What was beautiful is unappealing. Let me heal. Your disapproval of the rate of my healing process only minimizes my experience and breaches trust. I'm moving forward, and the wounds will most likely move with me for a long while. The wounds of the young women exiting these movements will most likely move with them as they move forward. Let the process play out. Let them rediscover their dreams, and their hearts, on their own timetable. There's no magical quick-fix.] 


These women will need to reconnect to their own emotions, maybe even make the initial connection to their emotions. Create an environment for them where this can thrive. They need to experience emotion as a beautiful part of creation and not the evil villian lurking in the shadows of their heart and mind. They need to come to realize that their heart belongs to THEM, first and foremost, not to their dad, not to any man, but to THEM, to be opened and extended to whomever THEY feel lead to open and extend it to. Unless they become destructive to themselves or others, don't intervene. Let them laugh. Let them cry. Let them be angry (and validate that anger by reaffirming that what was done to them was wrong). Let them find peace. Just encourage. Cheer. Just as you mourn with them, celebrate with them. Every little victory in what might be a mundane matter to us is very significant to them. Decisions will be totally foreign to many of them. Maybe even to most of them. Support and encourage them in decision-making, but don't force decisions that they may not be equipped to make. Instead, walk them through the process in these instances. When they make a good decision, celebrate with them. Celebrate not just the good consequence, but the decision itself, too. When they make a bad decision, don't condemn, but rather comfort, and at the same time, celebrate that they made a decision.


Allow and encourage them to question anything and everything. An entire life and world is in front of them, and most of it will be uncharted territory. If they ask a question of you which you don't know the answer to, be so bold as to tell them, "I don't know." If they ask a question or engage in conversation about matters of faith, by all means engage them in return, always careful to point to a loving, accepting, grace-based Christ, not to a demanding Christ (they've heard of that one already).


These women are bright, beautiful, fascinating, wonderful creations of God. Open your hearts to them accordingly and you'll be doing as powerful and important a work as there is to do for Christ. If you offer assistance, and I or others have some questions for you, please don't be offended. We just want to take the right precautions and be careful to not place you or these young women in unhealthy situations.




To those of you going through this healing process now, some of you practically alone in doing so: You're never far from my heart and mind. Most of you have made enormous progress just in the period of time I've known you, and I'm SO proud of you guys. You are genuinely my heroes. You're all beautiful and very special to me. Keep breathing. Keep healing.