Sunday, January 9, 2011

A Few Personal Questions Pondered

Hope all of you had healthy and happy Holidays.

Here are some more questions I've received via email. These are more personal in nature. Some of the questions are paraphrased as many times I'm asked the same questions in different wording. Again, this piece isn't spiritual or theological, but purely personal. Here goes...

Where have you been?

Well, real life seems to happen despite this blog. I've been caught up in it's clutches. Some family members are going through some trying times. On top of this, I've been attempting to lay the groundwork for a move (both for personal and professional reasons). As a result, I've spent the better part of a month out of state. As life continues to happen, I may not be writing with the same frequency here (although I plan to pick up the pace a bit from where it's been for the last couple of months). I've been a little slower than usual in responding to emails, but I promise to respond when and if people write to me, even if it takes me a day or two. I welcome communication as always.

Do you still love your ex-fiancee?

Yes. Deeply. But...while I respect her and her family as part of God's creation, I have no respect for them as people. They haven't earned it and don't deserve it. I also have no trust, whatsoever, in her or any of them. I pity her.

Can you ever forgive her?

Yes. She hasn't asked for my forgiveness, however, so I don't sit around and beat myself up over any perceived "bitterness".

Would you ever take her back?


Are her family members really Christians?

They're very religious - and that's not a compliment. Beyond that, I really don't know. They'll lie through their teeth to your face while wearing a big, fake smile, and then follow it up with "God bless you" and "Love you, buddy" and "I'm praying for you", so, well, it's hard to have any substantial confidence in anything beyond their phoniness. They're bilingual. They speak English and Deceit very fluently.

How are you holding up?

I'd be lying if I told you that it doesn't all still hurt, and sometimes that hurt is still to the bone. I feel as though a happy, fulfilling future with a woman I loved relentlessly was stolen from me by a group of people obsessed with goofy, legalistic, and quite obviously destructive beliefs. I lost a lot beyond just the relationship, too. None of it was my own doing.

All in all, it's better now than it was 6 months ago, and 6 months before that, and so on. Grieving is a process. Remember, in my situation, it's MUCH more like she suddenly died than just a relationship breaking up. She suddenly became unreachable and has remained unreachable. Total dysfunction, and for me, in the first few days and weeks, total emotional chaos.

Stupid, stupid, destructive people.

Why don't you respect her father's freedom to choose his belief and lifestyle?

As long as innocent people are needlessly hurt and oppressed, I'll continue to respect his freedom to choose his own path without retribution as much as he respects the freedom of his own grown children to pursue their own path without retribution. Pressed down, shaken together, good measure. The same goes for all P/QF and Dominionist types.

Will you ever enter another relationship?

Probably not. I'm really not too keen on opening myself up to this kind of wounding again. And, after this, a woman would have a harder time passing my vetting process than a man interested in one of the Botkin girls would have getting past their fruitcake of a father.

In short, I won't say "never", but probably not.

Happy New Year to all of you. 


  1. Lewis - I will come and laugh at your wedding. You will have to live that "I won't say never, but probably not" down at some point.

    It will take some time but the heart always comes back.

  2. Enjoy your life, Lewis. =) Heal and grow and love and laugh every day. You deserve it. Peace and good will, SS

  3. Hey Lewis! Glad to hear you are well and keeping busy. It takes time to get over such a hardship. Sometimes it's easy to fall "in" love and so much harder to fall "out" of love. It ain't easy...I know. Just take care of yourself and we'll see ya when we see ya. :)

    God Bless!

  4. Never say never and don't even say "probably not". There is someone out there for you. Don't let this bad situation and that lousy family turn you against love. You're starting to sound like a 19 year old SAHD who thinks she's an old maid who'll NEVER get married! lol!

  5. Praying for you and your family, Lewis.

    Good luck with your move if it happens, hope everything goes smoothly and you can get a fresh start! Grief is a process, like you said, and maybe getting new surroundings and leaving behind some of those painful memories will help you.

  6. I can relate to experiencing the end of relationship that is like a death. To my knowledge, my ex is still kicking about out in the world somewhere, but from my perspective, I feel like he has died. Sometimes I'll see statuses of my friends on facebook and it'll seem like they're carrying on a conversation with themselves, and then I'll realize that my ex (who blocked me) is actually commenting with them. It's as if someone took a scalpel and cut him directly from my life, and incidently, there's a hole left in my heart of the same shape.

  7. Sorry, Leah. It's a terrible position to be in, and I'm sure you deserve a lot better.

  8. Marriage is a gift of God; but so is being single, according to 1 Cor 7. Lewis, if you don't want to get married, or don't want to think about it right now, there is no reason why you would have to. I think Protestantism has a weakness in this-- we have forgotten the blessedness of being single and our churches have a way of treating singleness like it's a lesser state, or not worthy of our attention.

    I wish more singles would feel free to be single for as long as God would have them be-- even if that means never getting married. I wish there were more ministries to singles in the churches. I wish more singles would start singles ministries, and that more churches would seek them-- and that they not be merely a social group to seek a spouse, but a place where people who want to enjoy this time of blessedness where they can be wholly devoted to the things of God, can spur one another on to love and good deeds.

    I myself am married-- for 23 years in March. But my sister is single and feels like an outsider in most churches, as their bulletins are full of couples' retreats and marriage ministries-- and the occasional outreach to single moms-- but unmarried women who are not mothers, often feel like they may as well not exist. . .

    So feel free to be single, Lewis, and don't feel pressured into getting married, ok? God bless you.

  9. So sorry you had to go through that, Lewis. God is in the business of healing hearts, lean on Him and He will comfort and restore you.

    If He means for you to marry, I am sure it will happen, but until that point, be single! You have a lot to say, I know God has work for you to do, single or married.

    Don't be ashamed to speak what you know, what you experienced... perhaps you can save someone else the heartache you went through. Keep being an encouragement to everyone around you. :-)

    praying for you.

  10. Dear Lewis,

    Never say never. I was married 28 years to an abusive, dominionist/patriarch and had 12 children with him. Four years out of the marriage and after a LOT of hard work and healing, I just married the love of my life -- a godly, caring man who thinks the world of me and wants a team member and partner,not a submissive doormat.

    Never knew love could be so good. God does restore the years the locusts have eaten. I've waited 50 years for this man, but he was worth every tear, pain, and trial I had to go through to get him.